i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm too high and old for this...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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