Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
