just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
