We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
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