WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize