i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
