I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
