Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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