Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
