I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The maid of honor just puked.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
