I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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