textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
