after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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