I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
