I just pynch a tree in the face
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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