JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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