I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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