Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
