i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
