wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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