he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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