Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
