Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is Oprah even human
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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