During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
