Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
