is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You took a bar mat shot.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
