I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
