Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
