this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
