last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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