Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
