I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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