I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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