He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
