So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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