I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
