i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
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Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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