I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
