Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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