Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
