your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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