dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
