she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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