I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
