note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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