dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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