I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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