Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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