I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
