Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
