Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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