I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
