ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
two words...techno handjob
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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