When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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